Finding Joy in Holiday Traditions After Loss

The holidays are supposed to be the most joyous time of the year with family and friends. It is all about the excitement of coming together and celebrating! The preparation of food, the anticipation of what is waiting under the tree, and the expectation to feel “Merry.” For those of us who have lost a loved one, this time can feel daunting and downright dreadful. They are full of thoughts like: “I don’t feel like celebrating.” Or “Why should I celebrate?” Celebrating can also come with a side of guilt. It can feel as if celebrating means that we no longer love our loved one. It might also feel as if we have moved on. Do you ever feel the guilt? This will be my second Christmas without my mom. The first is a blur. Last year at this time, I was still having brain fog. It is normal for the first few months after a first-degree loss. I was recovering from my trip to Switzerland. My grief was too fresh. I was not cognitively capable of thinking about traditions or celebrating. I was merely trying to survive. This year feels different and a little brighter. It’s not because I’m not sad, but because I want to revive a lost Christmas tradition. This tradition connects me to my mom and brings me joy that I haven’t felt in a long time. My mom never cared for the holidays, and I don’t know why. I asked her about it over the years, but she never gave a clear answer. Maybe something bad happened to her when she was younger or an adult. I will never find out. My mom and I used to make chocolate truffles for Christmas, even though she didn’t like the holidays or baking. I once asked her why we made them, and she said it was to create memories together. Now, as I think of ways to include her in these different holidays, I want to make truffles again. This time, I will do it for her, and I know she’ll be watching! What traditions are you keeping, or have you made new ones? Another holiday tradition was her visits over the years. She would come to California from Switzerland every Christmas from 1995 to 2015. These were the best times with my mom. I thought about this yesterday while stopped at a red light. I would drive from Santa Barbara to LAX to pick her up. The excitement of seeing her come out of customs was the absolute best feeling. I miss that terribly. All I have left are the memories. While we mourn a deep loss, it is beneficial to share the love we have for them. We need to express the love we can no longer give due to their absence through meaningful gestures. Grief can feel like love has no place to go. Where there is grief, there is love. Love is energy, and energy can’t be destroyed. We can decide how to disperse that energy. During this time of year, many reminders can trigger our pain, making it feel overwhelming. Since my mom passed away, I see my life in two parts: “before” and “after” her death. I especially feel the “before” now, reminding me that things will never be the same. But I can create a new path, guided by my love for my mom. I know she is illuminating that path with her love; it is palpable. SELF-CARE TIPS: It is important to take care of ourselves, physically, emotionally, spiritually especially during the holidays. Well-meaning friends and family can pressure us to celebrate even while we’re grieving. For some, this is a helpful distraction, but for others, it’s too much to handle. It is okay to decline invitations and focus on yourself. Self-care includes anything that brings you calm, relaxation, and joy. The key is to allow yourself to do what feels good. Whether it’s walking, exercising, reading, or taking a bath, find what works for you. Or do nothing at all. What will you do in the next few weeks to relax and take care of yourself? Self-care includes releasing emotions, which is important during grief. Crying, for instance, lets out endorphins that can ease pain. The brain can’t tell the difference between physical and emotional pain. When we cry, the body also releases oxytocin, known as the “feel-good” hormone. Give yourself some grace, whether it’s your first or twentieth holiday without your loved one. Do what feels right. The people who love you will understand your choices this season. During these difficult times, please remember to take good care of yourselves. I send you and your families heartfelt wishes for a peaceful and restful Christmas. May it be filled with love and warmth.